Local Revision: Wordiness

To kick off my local revisions, I am going to condense the information presented in my wordiest paragraph.

"An open book" via Shutterstock.

Original Paragrpah:

Medical residents are doctors who have completed medical school and earned their medical degree. During the graduation months, they participate in “match days”, which dictate what residency program the doctors will participate in for three or more years. Once doctors are matched to a residency program, they work at their assigned hospital. During their time there, the doctors are trained by attending physicians on how to conduct procedures, tests, and how to generally work in a hospital effectively. Due to Libby Zion law, residents cannot work more than 80 hours a week, but this does not include on call hours or paperwork hours. The average annual salary for medical residents in the U.S. is $50,000-$70,000 depending on the residency and location.



Revised Paragraph:
Medical residents are doctors who have completed medical school. Before graduation, they participate in “match day”, which dictates what residency program the doctors will participate in for three or more years. During their time there, the residents are trained by attending physicians on how to conduct procedures, tests, and how to generally work in a hospital effectively. Due to Libby Zion law, residents cannot work more than 80 hours a week, but this does not include on call hours or paperwork hours. The average annual salary for medical residents in the U.S. is $50,000-$70,000 depending on the residency and location.


Reflection

• From the perspective of the audience, the revised paragraph is easier to read because it is slightly shorter, and does not have unnecessary phrases and clauses like the original. 
• I think it is slightly better wit the revision because it is more to the point. But it is slightly worse because I am realizing how much the words padded the information to make it seem like there was more than there actually was. I have to apply this method of revision to my entire QRG in order to make it effective.

What do you think about this local revision?